Things I Will (Not) Do At Hogwarts
by The Perfect Bad Example
Summary: My name is Zoe Xeno, and I have a nose for trouble. There's thing after thing that keeps getting me into situations- some awkward, some hilarious, usually combined. From cursing the Sorting Hat to yelling that Seamus Finnegan 'stole me Lucky Charms' and insisting that Draco Malfoy is a vampire (anyone got a stake?) I doubt there is one bad thing at Hogwarts I will not do…
1. Intro and 1-3

Preface: **Don't curse the Sorting Hat in any way.**

My name is Zoe. I am a first-year Hogwarts student- and have just been sorted… into Slytherin. I mean, what the heck! Slytherin! I mean, I know I cursed at the Sorting Hat and pulled some pranks on the Hogwarts train, but whatever, it happens!

Curse the Sorting Hat for all eternity.

I stood waiting impatiently to be picked for the Sorting Hat. I still didn't get why it was so important, but whatever.

"Xeno, Zoe!" an elderly female professor called out from the stage.

I skipped up to the platform and sat on the stool. A large pointy hat was lowered over my eyes.

"Ah, yes," it said, "Devious, untrustable, and a crueler sense of humor. I think you would be best suited in SLYTHERIN!"

Don't get me wrong, I might be a half-blood, but I knew that the Dark Lord was in Slytherin. Why the hell would the Sorting Hat put me in there?

I stood up and put the hat back on the chair. The strange eyes stared up at me. I glared back at them. "Devious? Untrustable?"

"A good memory," said the hat.

"Slytherin?"

"Very good," said the hat. "If you have a problem, then you can always take it up with ME."

I stared at it. "You're a _hat_."

That seemed to make it a bit mad. "Hat?" he hissed, "Just a hat? Well, I guess that makes you _just a Slytherin_."

That made me snap. I cursed at the hat until the elderly professor dragged me away, saying that for the next month, I could expect detention.

Well, she also said I broke the record for the shortest amount of time it takes to get detention.

**1. I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are "covered in bees".**

I stood in the hallway, looking over at some Hogwarts students that wore strange, or funny, black-and-golden striped sweaters. I sniggered quietly. I grabbed a spoon that I had stuffed into my robe pocket (I had meant to pick up a knife, but I had grabbed the wrong thing in the rush to leave).

Quietly I walked over to the striped sweater geeks. "I think you have some bees on your coat," I said.

The Hufflepuff glared at me. "Excuse me?"

I took the spoon and poked his coat. "Bees," I said simply.

"Miss Xeno!" I heard someone exclaim from behind me.

I turned to see Professor Moganagall, or something like that, standing there and glaring at her. "We do not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, or say that they are covered in bees!"

**2. I will not use Umbridge's quill to write- "I told you I was hardcore!"**

Detention. Again. But this time, it was with Umbridge, and not Snape. Despite my hatred of my Head of House, I feared that Umbridge would be worse. She hasn't liked me ever since I came to class skyclad.

"Now," said Dumbridge sweetly, "I need you to write 'I will not come to class skyclad on the parchment."

I wasn't dumb. Harry Potter had told Ron Weasley who had told Parvarti Patil who had told Samantha Jones who had told Astoria Greengrass who had told Draco Malfoy who told Crabbe and Goyle who I overheard talking about it that the quill wrote whatever you wrote on your hand.

I could have some fun with this.

"Okay Professor Dumbridge," I said as she turned. She started slightly to turn back and yell at me, but to my surprise, she didn't.

"It's Umbridge," she said sweetly.

I nodded like I cared.

Taking the quill, I wrote on the parchment.

_I told you I was hardcore!_

I wrote the line about a hundred more times, until both my hands ached. One from writing and the other from the quill. Umbridge walked over to see my work.

"Miss Xeno," she said, "This is not what I told you to write."

"Oops."

**Seamus Finnegan is not 'after me lucky charms'**.

"NO!" I screeched, running into the Great Hall. "You can't have me Lucky Charms!"

Seamus tore into the room after me. I stopped in the middle of the room and faced him. "Everybody, hide your lucky charms!"

Seamus rolled his eyes. "Let it go, Xeno!" he snapped.

I shook my head stubbornly. "You tried to steal my Lucky Charms!"

"It was an accident!" he snapped. "I ran into you and accidently took your bowl of lucky charms!"

Professor Dumbledore had stood up and was now facing me. I could feel his gaze on my back. I turned to face him.

"Yes?"

"I do believe that Seamus Finnegan is not after your "Lucky Charms.""


	2. Thing I Will (Not) Do- 4

A/N: Don't own anything...

**4. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.**

Slowly, I walked to potions class. I really, really hated potions. Almost as much as I hated Snape.

I pushed open the double doors to the dungeon classroom dramatically, swooping into the room. This would have been the most amazing, wicked entrance ever… except I dropped my books when I opened the doors.

"Miss Xeno," came Snape's drawling, slow voice.

I bent down and picked up my books, a smile on my face. "Yes…" I said with a dazzling smile at the professor, trying to look as sweet as possible. The only problem with my plan- people knew me, and they knew I had some devious scheme in mind for this class.

My rebuke. Well, they're right. But in my defense, I don't plan these things, I wait until 'opportunity' (insert devious smile) 'presents itself'…

Still smiling, I walked over to my seat next to the Slytherin girl Aemyia Dorvon. She was the schools biggest airhead, and right now, she was talking to her equally-airheaded best friend, Amysha Rovander.

"Now," began Professor Snape, "If you will turn to page seventy two in your books and began creating the…."

I tuned out as soon as he said 'If you will…'

The class dragged on and on for at least twice it's normal time. My thoughts during it were along the line of 'let it end, let it end, let it end, let it end….'

The potion we were making was just a simple color-changing potion. You enchant it to change a certain color, and the object you dip into the potion should change to the color you said. Nothing funny, nothing cool. The only devious thing I could think of doing was maybe turning all of Draco Malfoy's wardrobe pink, or maybe finding out if 'invisibility' is a color, and then turning everyone's robes 'invisible'.

I was putting in the terrible smelling leaves to my potion when a strange noise caught my ear. It was… it was… it was snoring! Some idiot was asleep.

Almost immediately, terrible, devious plots began to come into my mind. I could put a clip on their nose, give them a permanent 'ID-IO-T' (I-D-one-zero-T) form on their robe front, I could draw a mustache on their…

Draw a mustache…

Draw…

_A dark mark_.

My mind gave a little chuckle of devious laughter that only I could hear. Sadly, I had a big, devious smile on my face. Snape gave me a strange, untrusting look. Yeah, he can untrust all he wants, this is pretty much done…

I reached into my brown bag and pulled out a permanent marker. Aemyia, the girl who was snoring beside me, luckily had her sleeves rolled up to her elbows. Her head was pointing away from me, towards the black doors. Ha, she won't even know what happened.

Taking the marker and steadying my hand, I carefully drew out the skull and snake coming from its mouth. I shaded it in, and then stood back to admire my amazing work.

Once again, I could feel Snape's glare on my back like a hot iron. I quickly in one swift motion capped the permanent marker and stuffed it into my brown bag.

Just as I did, I felt Snape's glare leave my back. Wow, that might have been a close one. And never will they catch me.

But as I pulled my hand back out of my bag, something rolled out onto the floor. My wand. I took the wand and quickly went to put it back, but then a thought crossed my mind. What if Aemyia used magic to just wipe off the marker stain?

This calls for a little magic…

Taking the wand under the table, I pointed it at the mark on Aemyia's arm. It stood out like a sore thumb, like a splash of black on a white painting. This is going to be fun. Very funny too.

"_Permanento unbreakeo_," I mutter the charm under my breath. I really hope my wand heard it, because I didn't even hear it.

But sure enough, the shiny black mark glowed silver for a second. Just for a second, and then it turned to a darker, unshiny black. Just like the dark mark.

Oh yeah, this is going to be _hilarious_.

Just as I bent down again and put away my wand, Snape called in a loud, drawling, sneering voice from his large desk at the front of the room. "Class dismissed."

Yes! But then a fail point in my plan emerged, Aemyia woke up with a snort. Quickly, I grabbed my book and stepped toward the door. Everyone was behind me now… walking past Aemyia.

I heard multiple loud shrieks as I passed under the door, and, as a professional prankster, I just had to stay and watch the outcome of this all.

Aemyia had stood up and was staring down at her arm, wide eyed. He he he, this is good! Her classmates were all around her, some of them (Slytherins) were ginning and chuckling. The Gryffindors, however, were staring at Aemyia like she had just caught some very contagious disease. There was horror and fear gleaming like stars in their eyes. Neville Longbottom looked about ready to faint.

I allowed myself a small chuckle. This had worked out surprisingly well! But I hadn't noticed Snape coming over to the scene.

"What about this," called Snape to me rather quietly- I quickly turned to look at him, "Do you find… funny?"

I never thought I would ever hear Snape use a word like funny. I held back my laughter though and stared at Snape. "Please come over here, Miss Xeno."

"No thanks," I said. He had said 'please' after all.

Snape's voice turned cold- even colder than usual. "Come over here, Miss Xeno."

Seeing that there was no other option for me now, I walked over to the professor. He still had the dark, grim, but seeming expressionless mask on his face. "Your wand," he said, holding out his hand expectantly.

Crap, I forgot that they could see the last spell a wand had cast. Digging my hand into my bag, I pulled out the wand and laid it into the professor's waiting hand. His pale hand snapped shut on it immediately, pulling it away from me. I took my hand and pulled it to my chest.

Snape turned to a glass flask near Aemyia where everyone could almost still see over me and Snape. He muttered a strange charm, and the flask glowed silver for a single second. Then it return back to normal.

Snape laid the wand down on the table and grabbed the flask. He held it up to his head, and then dropped it. It should have shattered into a million tiny silver pieces on the floor, but instead it was perfectly fine. It bounced into the air once, and landed down with a small 'clank'.

The professor turned away from the flask on the ground and back to me. "The permanent and the unbreakable charm," said Snape in a drawling voice to me. He tilted his head slightly to the right. "Both very hard charms to master, especially for a first year, and then… combined."

I smiled sheepishly.

Snape wasn't done grilling me yet though. "What kind of example do you think your setting for the other first-years?" he asked.

My smile then transformed into a smirk. "The Perfect Bad Example."

The professor didn't seem the least bit amused. "Detention," said Snape, "Maybe then you'll have even more time to practice your charms."

With that, the professor turned to Aemyia and muttered another strange incantation. It was a long one too. I tapped my foot and crossed my arms the second he had turned away, and continued to do it through the ten-second long incantation.

"Class dismissed," called Snape, turning again and walked down to his desk.

I grabbed my wand off of the table, smirking at Aemyia as I did, and began to walk out of the classroom. On the way out, Malfoy moved to walk beside me. "How did you manage to learn a fifth-year spell?" he asked with a sneer and a leer in a drawling voice.

I smiled at him. "I stole Granger's spellbook." And with that, I walked a little faster, smirk on my face, going ahead of him, and leaving him a bit shocked behind me.

Soon there's going to be a new top smirker in this school… (rubs hands together evilly...)

A/N: Sorry for only one thing (not) to do- this one went on a bit longer than I expected. PLEASE REVIEW!


End file.
